fans & friends

By alice | July 20, 2008

I was thinking lately about how/ whether it is/ might be useful to stick with these two definitions when wondering how best to address/ talk to people. Whereas I dislike the idea of mentor/ mentee relationships being treated as anything other than friendship (back to that later, unless I forget & nobody cares enough to bring it back up), it seems to me good if fan/hero relationships begin with a clear recognition and understanding of that difference. And even though they don’t exclude friendship based on more personal mutual understanding later, it can be quite difficult to negotiate that change, and I think harder if it isn’t acknowledged to begin with.

The reason I think this stuff matters is, the internet has created a lot of mini-superstars with mini fanclubs. That might sound like anathema to people who are here to express and be themselves and share that with others doing the same, but the fact is, even if self-expressing is all you do online, you may get fans online as opposed to friends- people who read and admire your writing- and you may eventually have a conversation with one of them (duh), and when you do it helps to understand the nature of the relationship you already have and not try too hard to turn it into something it isn’t yet and may never be. People who know for sure they would never make such mistakes probably won’t be reading this post :)

I feel a bit awkward talking about this for some reason, like it’s tabboo or something. Maybe it’s not normally done for people to express their fanhood within hearing distance of their heros? If so, that seems a shame to me. In fact, it makes me want to resolve right now to go round all the blogs I love and express my fanhood to the writers in case they don’t know how great they are.

Anyway, here’s my list of the difference between fan/hero and friend-friend relationships:

1. Fans love what their heroes do, not who they are (which they don’t know much about): friends love their friends for who they are, even if they know & care little about what they do.

(Big potential mistake: assuming your heroes are what they do. Even in their online weblogging/ tweeting. Knowing a person’s private details, or seeing their body language, can totally change how you were (mis)interpreting their personality.)

2. Fans appreciate that their heroes enrich their lives with their art, writing, inspiring achievements etc. Friends appreciate their friends for being in their lives: sharing time, fun, passions, support, on a personal level.

3. Heroes have a responsibility to be nice to their fans, because fans pay their salary/ provide them with a raison d’etre for singing in their band. Friends are nice to their friends in exchange for the relationship. Fans don’t have a responsibility to be nice, but may lose special privileges if they are nasty (eg. comments rights on a big political pundit blog).

Some other observations: friendship can arise from almost any situation where people come together to do stuff. You can’t usually get to be friends with your hero unless they have a reason to spend time with you. Some heroes really enjoy corresponding with fans, especially when they get especially interesting or intelligent input from them, and that can turn into friendship. Never assume someone else thinks they are or should be your friend, fan or hero: decide what you are, or want to be, and be open about it. Fear of rejection never got anyone anywhere.

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7 Comments »

7 Responses to “fans & friends”

Shefaly Says:
July 20th, 2008 at 2:34 pm

I understand this difference only conceptually.

I have never been a “fan” of anything or anybody much. (In fact a routine complaint in my life is that I cannot find role models to emulate – with the exception of Ben Sander’s TED talk recently when I thought I would like to be a speaker like him). I have friends, some more close than others, who may fit the descriptions you write. More when I have thought about it more.. :-)

alice Says:
July 20th, 2008 at 3:21 pm

I’m pick n’ mix about role models/ heroes. Sometimes I love people’s stuff & really dislike their personal characteristics.

Another thing about being a fan is discovering your heroes’s flaws. Although I don’t think that’s inevitable, it’s quite likely, and often unexpected because we “project” onto heroes.

gcotharn Says:
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:45 am

A thoughtful post – through and through.

Future commenters might react b/c we all, I think, have our own personal interpretations of “fan” and “hero”. I reread your post a second time, trying to really focus on your usage/meanings of “fan” and “hero”, instead of on my own knee-jerk usage/meanings.

MJ Says:
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:27 am

I see a lot of baffling hero/faux friend worship on the ‘net – lots of people who don’t really know anything at all about a personality but have filled in blanks in their own minds and are now passionate followers. On the one hand, good that they are using their imaginations (so apt to atrophy in today’s electronic culture). But on the other hand – you don’t know these people! What gives?

Probably not much different from idolizing etc. stars in magazines in past eras. Again, we just don’t know these folks.

alice Says:
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:39 am

Heroes as I use the term are people whose work you admire- taking that into personality-worship is a whole different & deranged ball-game.

If you read someone often with no inclination to talk to them, the fan role seems more positive than “lurker”. I felt bad about one blog I read but never comment on (slightly scary writer) before realising I’m basically a huge fan of the things about it which are brilliant, not the personality of the author.

Jackie Danicki » Writers and fans and heroes and friends Says:
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:55 pm

[...] reminded me of what Alice had to say about fans and friends. I love her closing remark: Never assume someone else thinks they are or should be your friend, [...]

fjfjfj Says:
July 26th, 2008 at 6:42 am

I like this analysis a lot.